"Where are you serving?"

It's the time of the year when outgoing office holders in VCF start to scout for successors to various positions and roles in the ministry. We need people as chairpersons, coordinators, contact group leaders, etc. This is true, and these roles are very important and people who are approached should think and pray carefully about it. But of course, I usually turn them down because I find myself still struggling with my commitments in YF and always being aware that I could do more for the youths and the guys in my DG.

When it comes to service, I am also of the conviction that it doesn't always have to come under a formal ministry or structure. I think Christians should feel free to explore ways they can serve that may not fall under and official church program/committee or in any organisation. Surely, if everyone are to be God's servants, there's got to be more to do than the few ushering roles and leadership positions. This requires creativity and imagination.

Thinking about what my DG could do, and how they might prepare as spiritual mentors or disciplers in their lives, I realised another area of service that is real and ready for them to take one - serve each other.

'As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace' -1 Peter 4:10

They could serve one another! They could encourage each other in their walk with God, and as each try to live out their lives as Christians. They could bless them with lessons from Scripture. They could pray alongside them in their struggles. They could be a listening ear and a source of support to each other. Isn't that what I am striving to do with my limited time and energy, and also my imperfect love and faithfulness? They can be spiritual mentors and disciplers to each other. Not unlike what I am trying to do for them. They could serve each other; they could serve me! I'm not trying to be self-centered and ask them to help me instead, but leaders often require the kind of service that they render to their group members too. And what better way for them to prepare for spiritual leadership in the future.

Of course, grooming leadership in the church is still important. Not everyone is a leader in that sense. But the preparatory ground for ministry and service is there - the lives of each person's brother and sister-in-Christ. The preparatory grounds for any kinds of service.

'For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.' - Mark 10:45

'As you sent me into the world, so I have sent them into the world.' - John 17:18

It “Borders” me…

28 September 2011

Just two days ago, the last Borders outlet at Parkway Parade closed – marking the end of the farewell that began slightly more than a month ago when the iconic Borders at Wheelock Place suddenly closed its doors on customers, announced its closure in a few days, and made its nostalgic farewell “speech” in the form of a thank you note outside the store. I must say that the reaction of many Singaporeans to the closing of Borders Wheelock surprised me. I am not talking about the mad rush of the thousands of Singaporeans at the Borders clearance sale in Expo – that comes as no surprise at all. What I am surprised by is the sense of nostalgia evoked in so many Singaporeans in light of this sudden the loss.

I did not think that Singaporeans were that sentimental or had that capacity to remember the past. After all, we are a nation that is in a constant state of change. What we see today, even if it is not torn down tomorrow, would have its view blocked by a new mega mall. I must confess that I have at first felt little about the closure of Borders Wheelock. But reading the reactions of so many in the newspaper reports and on blogs – both personal and on websites of mainstream media – I cannot help but feel a sense of nostalgia as well.

In a short span of 13 years since 1997, Borders Wheelock has acquired so much significance in the life of Singaporeans, and has seen so many memories attached to it. The bookshop is so iconic on that busy shopping district of Singapore. Blogger DK aptly describes how people would often say “meet at Borders” rather than “meet at Wheelock”. Indeed, it is the meeting place for many people – for gathering with friends and for couples, even if only to go somewhere else after that. It is also the place for several book launches including Harry Potter where scores of fans would dress up and wait eagerly for the latest volume. The place itself has quite a history, but it also has an important place in the personal memories of many Singaporeans. The memory of Borders may not have anything to do with some big political event, but it is definitely knitted closely to the hearts of many Singaporeans. If that’s not stuff for history, what is?

I think I didn’t feel so much for the Borders Wheelock’s sad fate at first because it is something I took for granted. But reading the reminisces of others reminded me of my own memories of the place – the place where I met before a gathering with my JC friends whom I felt awkward with, the place where I would meet my crush from my teenage days. But it was the personal memories of others that jolted mine back to those days and my own experiences connected to this bookshop. Some of these memories are similar to others, some are distinct. For example, I never really sat there for long hours poring over a book cover to cover, and then return it to the shelf without buying anything. Nevertheless, they were all memories focused on one place – Borders Wheelock. It seems to me that all these personal memories, while remaining intensely personal, are also beginning to be tied into a collective memory of the place. And the place, is slowly weaved into our social memory as a people.

It is ironic that we often only remember when we are about to lose something – it’s like a reflex response to consolidate everything into something we can hold on to. And the events that have transpired since 16 August 2011, when Borders Wheelock closed its door, helped build up collective act of remembering. From the online forum discussions about whether Borders is really closing and why they think this is happening, to the mad rush of the clearance sale, the attention given to the closure serves to help us to remember not only as individuals, but as a community. One patron of Borders over the last 13 years described his visit to the clearance sale as “saying goodbye”. The economics aside, all the activities surrounding the closure of Borders have helped stir up memories in other people in a domino effect. As a result, Borders Wheelock becomes a social memory – the memory of a people that I have assumed to have become forgetful in a rapidly changing landscape.

But rapid change is a reality. In fact, change could be the reason behind the closure of Borders Wheelock. People don’t really visit bookshops anymore, when you can buy them so easily online on Amazon and Book Depository. Or just download them onto your Kindle e-book reader. The book selling industry is changing and Borders Singapore simply could not keep up with the changes. As a result, it was left behind – or worse, washed away by the tide of economic changes. Could this then be symptomatic of the world in which we inhabit now? Where things change so quickly that it is quite impossible to accumulate memories let alone remember them? It seems like Singapore is having a sudden heritage crisis with all the talk of preservation, conservation and remembering – from biodiversity to old railways. But at the same time, in this sudden desire to overcome our amnesia, some things seem to be sidelined – things like the Bukit Brown cemetery. All of these are rather old places, part of our history in the last century. There is a lot of concern with preserving what is old. But what is recent and important to our lives now are often forgotten because they appear and disappear so quickly. Few things remain long enough to become remembered as history. Just because memory sites that are important to us like Borders Wheelock lived fast and died young in the face of rapid changes, and flew by like a comet in the sky, no one is going to be bothered with it. It bothers me.

Life is the sum of your choices

To do a little update, I have stopped teaching. Or more precisely, I have stopped relief teaching. However, I have also committed myself to at least three years of professional teaching. For those who do not already know, I was offered the MOE Teaching Scholarship and I've accepted it, bonding myself to 4 years in the Teaching Service (including one year in NIE).

It's a choice I have made, and a rather major choice. I now know for certain how my career path would develop for the next 7 to 8 years of my life. And perhaps, not until I turn 30 will be able to change paths. It is a huge commitment. So much so that my Mom had to keep asking me today if I would break the bond. I reassured her no.

Yet, this is the choice which at several points in my life seemed unlikely. As I told Xin Ying, when I was her age (14), I told myself that the last thing I wanted to become was a teacher. Yet, my thinking changed eventually, and I can't even figure out when it did. However, even if I became open to teaching, it was never a certainty. Like many of my peers, I wanted to keep my options open. Even though I applied for the scholarship several times, my failure to get it several times also reinforced this notion. But God turned it all around.

I would have to say that definitely at some point in the next 7 to 8 years I would feel regret for the decision I have made this past month. How is it possible to not question your past choices? We always love to second guess ourselves (especially so while marking English), and wonder the many 'what if's. But I know for certain that such a feeling of regret would only be occasional as I live in the realisation that I am in God's hands.

Again, it seems amazing how God gave me the chance to share about Choices just when I find myself at crossroads. In His perfect timing, He has allowed me to make my decisions with greater certainty and my sharing with greater clarity. It all falls into place with God. That was the gist of my sharing.

I put it all in the light of my past. My 'love life' as they call it. It's amazing how so many years has past and I find myself in the position to perhaps shed some light for younger ones who may face the same issues as I did. I thank God for what I experienced, though without doubt, I am sure some of it was wrong and even painful. Yet, I am thankful for it because it brought me to where I am today. It brought me to my understanding of love and relationships. It prevented by fickle-mindedness from wroughting harm upon others and myself. It gave me time to deepen my relationship with God. It diverted my passion towards youth ministry and helping young people. I do not know exactly how it all links up. But I do not know that it does link up, and it links up for a good purpose.

In other matters, I brought my students Megan, Xin Ying, Janell, Lay Ching, Chuan Zhen and Lynn to YF's Amazing Race. It was nothing short of amazing. I myself am surprised not only by my own joy of seeing them there, having fun, but also by how they felt so thoroughly at ease with the other people I care about. It was tiring, I don't deny that. The whole race seemed like a metaphor for my future teaching life it seemed. I wondered at some point of the race how am I going to keep up with loving batch after batch of students in the future. But at the end of it all, you just realise that you will. That you will love them one at a time. That each an every individual will probably move you in his or her own way.

I just want to say this for my students: I do not know what kind of choices you're facing in your life, or what kind of past continues to haunt you nowadays, but I do believe that what I shared that day could grant you the peace that knows everything is in control and it will all be used for good.

How do you speak from the diaphragm?

I have always thought that I sing, speak and even breathe through my diaphragm consistently. However, ever since I started teaching, I am beginning to have doubts about that. Especially after to day.

Teachers totally have post-holidays blues as well. All the moan and groan in the staff room was undeniable. Although I didn't contribute much to it, inwardly I was groaning too. Firstly, the whether was very hot today. Secondly, I didn't sleep well last night. Thirdly, my stomach was not feeling well either. Finally, I have 8 periods on Mondays. Monday blues are an official and permanent feature for the rest of my weeks this term.

Depressing. Today was the worst day of my teaching experience. First, I had to start the day by taking a new class which I didn't prepare anything for. I was supposed to introduce myself. I hate introductions. Not to mention that students hate them too. It was a bad way to start the day. No, I mean the term! So I just wasted my time away. And theirs as well for that matter.

My Lit class after that was probably the best of the day. Surprisingly. Because I never had much high opinion about this bunch. They were noisy, chatty, and mischievous. Yet, they were responsive and though they often shot their mouth off, they were the closest to my idea of 'one conversation'. But it was tiring. Competing with them in terms of volume, my voice totally gave way for the English class right after.

I always wonder how I could possibly love this class. But the fact is that I do. And I genuinely get upset when they don't listen and I have to scold them. They push me to my limit almost everyday. Though I think today I was at my 'limit-est' limit. My marker flew. Downwards though, I disclaim.

And the last item installed for me was the legendary class. They are actually quite decent on hindsight. The real issue is that the classroom was run down and the computer was not working. So I really couldn't do much of the lesson that I planned. So I cut it real short. Just for the exception of one guy (for now), I think the rest of the class can actually be quite cooperative and engaged.

Why I am I rambling about all these up here anyway? I don't really know how to express myself anymore. I seem to have forgotten how to write. Maybe there's nothing nice to write about and the wearisome realities of my lessons have numbed my ability to think.

I am so tired. I feel like giving up. God save my voice.

So how do you speak for the diaphragm anyway? That is not the question.

How do you shut them up?

bodily training and training in godliness

Today was the Relief/Intern outing. Haha. I think I need to figure out a less weird way of referring to this group. Anyway, we went to play badminton at Singapore Swimming Club. The place is really quite nice. And empty, which is good. The only problem is that the staff there are just a little bit too particular and strict about certain things (like wearing non-marking shoes). It was really good exercise and I feel really tired out physically, which I haven't been for a long time. I'm glad.

After badminton we had lunch at some restaurant in the club. Well the food was not too bad. And I also realised just how much I appreciate the company of this group of friends. Though I think it will be hard to keep this up. All in all, I'm thankful today.

I do need to tighten my spending though, having spent so much money on badminton equipment in one day. If only I my racket didn't go missing in camp. Anyway, my savings seem to be increasing at a very slow rate and I only have that many months to work before school starts. Hopefully I can get the scholarship. In the mean time, maybe I should extend my Five Month Plan to the purchase of books as well, having spent so much money on books. I shall only buy fiction books from now on, and only after I have finished the current one. One book at every one time.

I realised just how ill-disciplined I really am. I think in almost all areas of my life, whether it be work, expenditure, diet, exercise and even spiritual discipline, I am often found lacking self-control.

It's time for change. It is scary when we get to a stage in life where we become complacent and think that we're good enough. I need to keep changing, keep reforming and be constantly sanctified towards Christ-likeness. And maybe I could start with self-control.

simplicity

I really wonder how I was able to come up with something to write on my blog years ago. Because right now, I can hardly find anything noteworthy in my life. And I also seem to notice a sluggishness in my thought life. I hardly ponder or dwell deeply into anything. I suppose it's growing up - where you get distracted more easily. You start filling your life with more things, supposing that it will make your life more significant and more meaningful. But it is all without focus. A diluted life. A life that is just happening, and not being lived.

I guess that is why reading Eugene Peterson feels so good to me. He always puts things in a different perspective. And an almost child-like perspective as well. CS Lewis is one such other as well. I wonder if it is not the wisest who write children books. Their ability to engage a mind simply. Why is it that both children and adults read children books, but children do not read adult literature? Maybe it is because the fundamental and basic truths and needs are found in the children books. It is there where we attain a clarity of mind. A simpleness that makes us few happier.

More and more I realise that truth is always simple. And complexity is what leads us away from the truth. Isn't it so? CS Lewis reminds us through Screwtape that academia always deals with all the complex but irrelevant points, distracting us from the most crucial issue - whether something is true.

Sins on Altar Steps

I have just finished reading The Screwtape Letters this morning. I am amazed at how quickly I finished it. It was quite engaging, though I must say that there were quite a few difficult parts that I didn't understand entirely. Nevertheless, it was good and thought-provoking read.

One of the comments by Screwtape (a senior devil teaching his nephew in the ways of temptation) impressed strongly upon me. 'The sweetest sins are those committed on the steps of the altar.'

The reference here generally refers to people like the Pharisees, who all through their life think/claim that they are supp0sedly doing God's work when they had virtually no relationship with God Himself.

It disturbs me, Screwtape's descriptions of certain of these people. I find myself in the danger of unknowingly 'sinning on the steps of the altar'. It is scary how we can think that we are nobly carrying out 'God's work', but yet know nothing about God in terms of a relationship at all.

Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
and grace my fears relieved.
How precious did that grace appear
the hour I first believed.